woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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