The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He better not be in your backpack
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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