you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
