The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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