Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
