Can Purell be used as lube?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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