Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
