Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
