Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I could fuck to npr.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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