She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
