Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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