you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
