in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
