Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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