How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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