My liver just broke up with me...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
