i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
