i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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