Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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