peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
