does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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