Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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