I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
