your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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