note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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