his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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