I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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