his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
