Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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