hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
