I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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