I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
