Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
