His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
