for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
