Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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