i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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