perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
