cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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