Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
