Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
did i walk over a car last night?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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