first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
