Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
