hotel room ftw
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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