What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
