I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
