I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
