Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
