i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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