Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
did i walk over a car last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Randomize
