So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
