Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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