it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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