see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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