maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize