she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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