dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
