we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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