It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
