yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
