3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
