Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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