You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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