Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
