Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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