When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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