can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Drake has all the answers
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
