Can i not drive my cunt home
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
