Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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