I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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