nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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