i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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