All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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