I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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